


Woke Bill with the Big Dick

by DRHPaints



Category: Bill Hader - Fandom, Bill Hader RPF
Genre: Bill Hader - Freeform, Clubbing, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dancing, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, FTM, M/M, One Shot, Other, Smut, Trans Male Character, Transmasculine, Unfamous Bill, Woke Bill, alcohol use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:01:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25565560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DRHPaints/pseuds/DRHPaints
Summary: Zeke, a transmasc guy, meets Bill Hader in a queer club one night and finds him not only charming, but incredibly sexy.
Relationships: Bill Hader/Original Character
Kudos: 8





	Woke Bill with the Big Dick

**Author's Note:**

> Probably the crackiest fic I’ll ever write and for that I apologize.
> 
> If you enjoy this, please leave a comment or come say hi on Tumblr at fandomtransmandom :-)

Rattling the ice in the bottom of his glass, Zeke tossed back what was left and ordered another. He didn’t typically drink much and this would be his third, so he could feel the faintest of buzzes warming his cheeks as he peered around the club. Crease was especially dead tonight, despite the deep thump of the hot DJ and the drag show in the next room. _Looks like I’ll be going home alone again_. Zeke thought, sipping on his fresh vodka sour and plunking down a tip for the bartender.  
“Hey there,” came a flinty voice behind him.   
Turning around, Zeke was confronted by a tall, broad shouldered man with shaggy black hair, a sharp, stubbled jaw that had just a touch of gray at the corners of his chin, kind blue eyes, one of which seemed to be slightly smaller than the other, and almost alarmingly pink lips spread in a wide smile, exposing small rounded teeth. He was wearing black jeans and a matching t-shirt that was just tight enough to display the fact that, despite his firm arms, he had the slightest belly and soft love handles.   
Zeke swallowed. “Hey.”  
“Want some company?” The man looked him up and down in a way that made him shiver.  
“Sure,” he nodded. “Can I get you a drink?”  
He smiled again. It was amazing how his whole face illuminated each time. “That’s what I was going to say. Sure. Thank you.”  
Zeke motioned for the bartender and indicated that he’d cover whatever his guest wanted, but all he got was a ginger ale.  
Sipping, he held out a hand. “Bill.”  
“Hey Bill, I’m Zeke,” he shook Bill’s hand and his own nearly disappeared inside his wide palm and long fingers.  
“Nice to meet you.” Bill sipped at his drink, looking up at him through his eyelashes and smiling coyly. _Keep that up and I’ll give you something to smile about_. Feeling his face growing hot, Zeke fought the urge to down his drink and order another out of nerves.  
“You too. I don’t think I’ve seen you here before.”  
Bill shook his head. “No, I don’t get out much,” he said. “Too busy, I guess.”  
“Oh yeah?” Zeke raised an eyebrow. “What do you do?”  
Shrugging, Bill turned his body to face him and Zeke had to fight the urge to stare. “I’m a writer. But I spend a lot of my free time volunteering.”  
Zeke grinned. “Really? Where?”  
“Hospice,” Bill rubbed a thumb up and down the condensation on his glass and, as sweet as it was, Zeke found he couldn’t help but picture him in a flattering pair of scrubs. _And out of them_.  
They spent the next hour chatting and getting to know one another, and when Zeke finished his fourth drink, Bill was gesturing wildly with his hands. _Oh the things those hands could do_.  
“And have you noticed? Fans of television shows? How they’ll be hypercritical of the female lead, but will stand by the male no matter what, when he’s just as problematic, if not more so? I mean look how people reacted to Skylar on _Breaking Bad_ …” Bill continued and Zeke smiled. He’d been waxing on about feminism for at least five minutes and was becoming increasingly worked up. Zeke had to admit he found it sexy.  
Rolling his eyes, Bill came to the end of his tirade. “Sorry, I just get upset by inequality,” the waves of his brown locks shaking as he moved his head from side to side in disappointment.  
“Don’t worry about it,” Zeke smiled at him and they were silent for a moment. Rihanna’s _Diamonds_ came over the speaker and Zeke saw Bill’s ears perk up.  
“Hey, you wanna dance?” He asked, looking him up and down and raising his eyebrows salaciously. _Honey, I want to do a lot more than dance…_  
Zeke shrugged. “Yeah, sure.”  
Following him to the dance floor, Bill’s strong hands found their way to Zeke’s waist, lowering himself so their foreheads were touching. Zeke reached up to place his hands about his broad shoulders, and as they began to rock and sway, he was pleasantly surprised that Bill could move. Swiveling expertly, Bill lowered his hands to Zeke’s hips, dragging him closer. Using his leg to part Zeke’s, Bill slid one of his thick thighs in between his, and they began grinding in time to the music, Bill rotating his crotch hard and fast into Zeke while their faces were a breath apart.  
Zeke was surrounded by his smell, a mixture of bergamot and citrus as Bill leaned in to his neck, scratching his cheek with his stubble. Nuzzling against his neck and working his fingers into his hair, Zeke found himself rutting shamelessly against his thigh, aching for friction as he felt the beginnings of Bill’s erection insistently below his navel. Hands traveling to his ass, Bill clutched him closer, panting hard into his mouth and as the song drew to a close, those light pink lips fused with his own, as soft as they appeared, Bill’s tongue teasing into his mouth to twirl, dip, and spin on the dance floor.  
They parted and Bill’s oceanic eyes pierced his. “Back room?” He murmured, voice low and inviting in a way he hadn’t yet heard that night. _Oh fuck_.  
“Yeah, yeah,” Zeke began, and Bill started to pull him by the shirt, but he held him back. “Wait, there’s something I didn’t tell you.”  
“Hmm? What’s up?” Bill licked his lips anxiously.  
Fidgeting with the fabric on Bill’s shirt for a second, Zeke took a deep breath. “I’m trans. Pre-op,” he flicked his eyes downward at his own body. “I know that’s a big deal to some guys.”  
Bill shrugged. “Not to me. Let’s go.”  
Zeke smiled widely behind as he nearly dragged him by the front of his shirt to the back room. A cacophony of lust could be heard from a couple of yards away, and as Bill placed his hands on the door he turned back to Zeke with a devilish grin.  
Opening the door, the wafting scent of years of casual sex was overwhelming, and as they wove past pairs and sometimes groups of people in every position imaginable, they found their own piece of wall to claim as their own.   
Pressing him back, Bill ran his hands over his chest and into his hair, kissing him eagerly and cupping Zeke’s face. Bill’s eyes met Zeke’s, staring into him as he crept down the front of his body, undoing his jeans and never breaking eye contact. Bill’s fingers found their way between Zeke’s thighs and his nose flared, jaw clenching as he grew excited at how wet and ready Zeke was for him. Circling Zeke’s clit, Bill slowly restricted until he was applying direct pressure and Zeke was writhing up and down against the wall, dripping over Bill’s insistent fingers. Coming with a shuddering gasp, he clung to Bill’s strong shoulders, mouth agape as Bill delicately retrieved his hand.   
“ _I wanna fuck you_ ,” Bill whispered, rubbing his cock against him.   
Zeke nodded, brushing a kiss against his sharp jawline. “ _Fuck me, Bill. Fuck me hard_.”  
Smiling, Bill abruptly turned him around, encouraging Zeke to place his hands against the wall. Using one foot he kicked his legs apart, before reaching around to undo his jeans, Bill tugged them down to his thighs before encircling his chest with one arm and leaning forward to his ear.  
“You ready?”  
“Yes.”  
“ _Mmm_ …” Bill hummed against the flesh at the back of his neck. “Consent is sexy.”   
Bill positioned himself and entered Zeke, who gasped. His cock was not only long, but exceptionally thick, and he squeezed his eyes shut as Bill tenderly inched forward, all the time teasing his clit with the tips of his fingers. Once fully sheathed, he held still for a moment, tipping Zeke’s head back to entwine their lips before starting to thrust his hips forward. Driving into him, Zeke arched his back so Bill’s cock would hit home, letting out inadvertent high-pitched moans with each stroke.   
Bill began pounding forth with vigor, swerving his hips to better penetrate Zeke as he fingered him earnestly. Zeke’s nails scratched down the wall as he began to throb internally, legs trembling and high-pitched moans tumbling from his lips.  
“ _Bill, fuck, fuck, don’t stop_!” He whined, forcing himself back against Bill’s cock as his desire dripped down his thighs. With a loud cry he came, constricting around Bill and tipping him over the edge, Bill’s movements becoming erratic as he hammered into him for the final time, curving forward and collapsing as his release overcame him.  
Fingers weaving over Zeke’s chest for a moment, Bill extricated himself and they both pulled up their jeans before exiting the sweat-and-cum filled back room. The thump-thump of the main room was assaultive, and Bill suggested they go outside. Zeke followed, dodging dancing bodies and bee lining after Bill’s broad form.  
Reaching the sidewalk, Zeke rocked back and forth on his heels for a moment before Bill smiled at him.  
“Come _here_ ,” he said, scooping him into his big arms and melding their mouths together for a few moments before parting. “Can I get your number?”  
Zeke was taken aback. “Uh…sure,” fishing his phone out of his pocket, they exchanged information.  
“Great, I’ll call you tomorrow,” Bill gifted him with another sparking smile.  
“Tomorrow?” Zeke raised an eyebrow.  
Bill nodded. “Yeah, I don’t believe in making a fella wait.” And with that he slapped his ass and winked, hands in his pockets and bouncing slightly with every step as he walked away.  
  



End file.
